Just a girl out of her element

I am typing to you all...from a HOT, windy day- less than a week from Xmas, only I have no feeling for Xmas at all this year.  I am listening to the new Curtis Harding via Spotify on my noise canceling headphones because there is loud construction noise emanating from below.  The office in the garage is almost finished...at least the main parts.  Not the windows, or the stairwell into the house seem to me, quite large undertakings.

Meanwhile, I do not know where the time goes...although I am at the gym 4-5 (sometimes 6!) - I would say I have been going 5 days a week but sometimes I think that the sessions just make me too tired to do much else.  I will do a bit of yoga - maybe a 20 minute 're-set', but I rarely go for a hike, swim, or bike ride like I would do when I was going to the gym closer to 3 days a week.

I have also tried going up in weight to the point of 'failure' aka leg giving out- weights dropping to the floor. Basically the gym shapes an otherwise free-form day while my better half is busy in his own world.

Here, at the bottom of the planet...hours ahead of most people I know...I find that I can untether from social media- which in turn- makes it easy for months to slip by.  I am still phoning people which is fun when I can actually get someone to pick up a call.   

 But I do feel strange when I think of the gym as being my 'constant'.  I feel my natural state is in a park reading a book.  I know that people at the gym find me odd, and I find them the same...I admire all the instructors that they have put the work in that they have to be "Fit"- but I do not really understand it.  I look at myself and all I think is maybe this is as good as it gets...by this I mean I am motivated by fear really...that IF I did not go to the gym so often, I would blow up like Violet Beauregarde in 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'.  I don't expect to suddenly cast a glance over my shoulder and see a toned arm- let alone muscles in my legs so then the futile nature of my actions seem -absurd and my thoughts go a bit tangled.  Where are my people?