"The circus is leaving town, so Ruby dry your eyes...the party is over now...stop howling at the moon..."

Do you ever wish you could know what it is like inside another persons head?  I am fairly certain that I have been told more than once in reprimand "This is not about you." or "Why do you take things so personally?".

I think I need to examine these questions.  I know I have an affinity for 12-step speak.  This says something about me.  I am just not sure what it is.

I have some set of worry that stems from a selfishness.  A selfishness that did not turn into an addiction but one that colors my behavior in an unflattering way.

For all the work I have tried to do, to make myself the person I want to be there is still something I am lacking.

Like the hair, dust, and bitsofbetternottoknow that gather each day no matter how many times I clean up.  There is always a new event to challenge my idea of the person I think I am.

Does this seem a bit personal?  If this was the 1980s, I am sure I would have picked up the phone and dialed friends until I could find one to talk me around.  But who does that anymore?  Now, we have social sites that for me at least make me feel further away-mostly.  But of course I take things personally so I read intent into the announcements of posts.  But why?  I have enough friends who email me ahead of time, when something important happens, for exactly this reason, to spare me from finding out news in a public forum.

Why do I think I need to be that important to everyone?  More importantly why do I need people to like me?  I do not give a lot of thought to people I don't like.

I had plenty of relationships that did not work out, many that I ended- so I have been the perpetrator of such behavior.  Why does breaking up with a friend hurt more than with a love interest?

...and then there is Zok- truly he alone should fill up all the empty crevices.  I don't really want to know what is inside another persons head.  I don't want to read their diary or at least I wouldn't want to read the parts about myself, because that isn't about me, so much as about them.  Just like these troubles are more about me and less about others-once I write it out and take a good look.

Yes, there are some specific events that brought this deluge about - some family stuff, some attempted friendship disappointments, some life events elsewhere that I am missing out on.

I have been really happy- free of terror inside my heart and head happy-

So, really these current events are a test.

A challenge, that I will do my best to come through with grace.

And if I fall short of grace, well I will try my best to be kind to myself and others.