Could you understand me if I told you that this last month has been one long, cloudy, summer afternoon?
I am always a bit tired because I only have short naps between going places, cleaning for the arrival of friends, cleaning up after a large meal with friends. I don't seem to have the ability to take candid photos, I am not exactly sure candid photos are something that can actually exist when so many stage their photos. I seem to fall apart when faced with so many examples-that somehow I will be shone as lacking by comparison. This is the silly fear I have when I want to write a post here, but I don't have photos to share.
There is something about being in Sweden that causes me to think over my life. I often have stray thoughts, I will remember something, some one, some event and think "Why would I have done that?!"
Then, I have to sift through a few years to unravel my behavior to myself.
I think self-reflection is important, yet I wish I could just dismiss a lot and be happy to be the me I am just, now.
After our "trying" year- we both seem to be sort of - just holding fast in a way
I can remember other times I have felt this way-
Just after almost making a huge life change then realizing my idea was not sound, these were usually trying to move to a different city and that move not working out. Then I would return home, and try to just be grateful and hope superstitiously that I would lose what I did have by my having tried to gamble it all.
Similarly I would dislike my job or feel unable to untangle myself from a person who I felt was bringing me down, and I would just grasp towards anything in the future to keep me going- usually a new author, a new record, the release of some book in a series.
But in the midst of this seemingly depressed time, we are actually really busy with people, visiting people, meeting up, meeting new people, having new people over, spending time with friends we haven't seen, and friends we see all the time.
We had a 'leftovers' Midsommar, so many friends were out in the countryside but we decided to stay in the city, luckily derbylove won the day with Red, Kim and her new gf, JJ, and D.A all coming over- (after there was walking off the meal and secret pocket monster business)
Vana returned to Sweden with her two daughters this time, and we helped them with some travel glitches (needing a dr., laundry the boring realities that can intrude on a vacation)
JJ was reunited with his better half and we all went out to a castle in the suburb for a 'cake buffet'
We had such a nice time, we had them over the next night with other returned friends (special appearance of Tove/Jonas) and Vana and her daughters which meant we got to use the new table from Skåne in its full glory (seating for 10!)
Our neighbours returned from the country and we experimented with making pizza on the bbq (weber- U.S. not AU style)
Our besties returned from the U.S. and we ran around (again with special(!) secret pocket monster business) for days, 3 or 4, we met a lot of strangers, but we all became united hopping on and off of buses- running from park to park
This has been the strangest part of our time spent and I could feel a bit...of guilt that I am not 'bettering' myself but sometimes - life is just about- making sure no decisions are made too rashly, and sometimes work is slow, and sometimes one is in the holding pattern in-between large changes, so why not have a bit of mind engaging, yet mindless fun?