Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Control; the illusion, the fight, the letting go- oh and Lilacs!

I hope that I always remember how I love that Lilac trees are the common tree in Stockholm city.  They are everywhere.  Three colours, lilac, white, and dark purple. When I first came to Stockholm in a spring, I remember all my previous lilac adventures. My favorite house in Sonoma when I was young had two lilac trees, one white and one purple. When I lived in Los Angeles I would buy lilacs from the flower mart in downtown L.A. in the early morning hours.  When I moved to Seattle, I had a friend who loved them as much as I did.  We started a tradition where we would go out under cover of night, looking for a tree that seemed to be on common or public land, and we would prune it, lovingly- heaping our haul into a box and filling our homes for weeks.
There are so many lilacs in Stockholm, one only needs a small vase of them- and getting them is easy, almost too easy-but I look forward to them every year, and one of the best plants I have in my own garden, is my own lilac tree.

 I have looked back on my blog posts from the last year- and what I see is just a lack of time- I haven't done less, I've actually done a lot- so any feeling of not 'doing' if coming from within.  2016 had huge challenges- and set backs, but now it is June 2017 and I need to let go. I have asked for a gotten advice from women who live on a more spiritual path than I do- and although I need to watch out for my own tendency towards superstitious thinking, I do need to work on my illusions of control.  Dissipate the feelings of loss, and of false ideas in the face of realities- 
Time might be an arbitrary marker, but our fifties are coming, and I want to do the work, lay the foundation for those years and the years beyond.
I want to shed parts of myself, ideas of myself that are no longer applicable.

I hurt myself on our apartment stairs- AGAIN, I scraped off a good chunk of the skin covering my Achilles tendon- I had to realize that pain makes me want to just go to sleep or pass out- and that my ability to survive any apocalyptic event are quite low.  Today I am worse than yesterday because the area has not stopped bleeding and somehow now, I am unable to put pressure on the foot so I can't really walk, and I feel queasy and dizzy when I try.
We are meant to go visit family in Macedonia in three days, so I'll just have to wait, and try to stay off of my foot, at least for today.

I have been listening to a talk by a doctor Dr. Northrup about ageing, specifically women and ageing as recommended by a friend.
I think next year if our plans stay as we have them, will be a transitional year-
A foundation year for the life we are choosing based on our last ten years.
I am grateful to be alive at this time- with the new views on growing old well-
I am unable to articulate how happy I am to have found a best friend and place to live with him that is to my mind a paradise.
I am happy my lilac tree is thriving, and will be blooming when I return to it.


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