Tuesday, March 24, 2015

"...but I say that a boring word like woman takes all the fun out of being a girl..."

I haven't been in a confessional mode.
Not that I have anything to confess.  Well, I suppose I might always have a little something in the 'you are only as sick as your secrets' sort of way.
But most people I come across wouldn't recognize that statement, therefore, I'll keep it squashed a bit longer.
Confessional in a more general- time alone- letting random thoughts out onto (is it 'onto' if one is changing thought into digital modes? I mean that isn't the same as 'onto' the page is it?) or into a space considered larger than my head.

I get like this when I feel I have spent too much time only expressing a certain part of my personality.  I feel this when, acquaintances start to offer me sentiments that are very far from who I am- because then I realize that what I am projecting is not what I mean to project.
Sometimes I fear I do not know how to be myself and be polite at the same time.
Do you know what I mean?   When you are polite about something - let's say something you yourself do not want to do, or to have, or to be a part of, but to be polite you make conversation, you show an interest and the next thing you know you are stuck doing, having, and being a part of some thing you have no real interest in?
I remember working at the door of a club once- I am surely remembering the exchange incorrectly, but as I remember it, some person - some date? some one who by some means had seen me 'undone'- commented on the wide gap between the two- the 'me' without make-up on, without a planned outfit.
He went in-depth, my hair is dyed, my shoes were high, my lips over-drawn, freckles blotted out, a mole enhanced, I could go on...
I remember thinking 'What? You question my only creation? How dare you!'.

I think about this because when I see photos of myself now- (mostly) or a reflection because honestly I avoid both, I don't recognize myself.  I feel as if I have been washed in sepia-tones. 
Yet, this is incongruent with how I feel- as in emotionally- emotionally I feel healthy, happy- and often at peace.  But also those feelings I think should somehow beam out of me- showing well, I don't know what- that is the tangle.
Then I came across the photo I have posted and that is how I think of myself- looking- flawless light skin- strong features, instrinsically sad (not in a surface way, you know naturally yet rising above thereby inspiring admiration and hope).

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